The wisdom of the old: I asked my grandparents about joys of life, difficulties of aging, and their perception of life
It is simply not possible to cover older people’s perception of life in only one go but if we start to make their voices heard, we may also start to understand their lived experience on a much deeper level.
“I would not mind if I had to die! I mean it. You know, I don’t want to bother anyone, or that my children have to do everything for me. It makes me uncomfortable when they have to do things for me. I don’t like that and I’m not used to that. My whole life I have cared and helped others,” says Inge, my 84-year old grandmother as she sits on the sofa, slightly pulling her brows together. It has not always been obvious to me but it must be hard seeing your life changing so drastically when you get older. Growing up, surrounded by a lot of older people, and with more grandparents than many of my friends ever had due to more or less unconventional family constellations, I got confronted with very different perspectives on life from an older age. Actually, I have considered them all quite happy, fulfilled, and content with their lives up until I realised, I had not been looking close enough. Inge lives with my mother — her daughter — but in a separate flat. She is still relatively independent within her home. However, the grandmother-of-eight is aware that her independence has been shrinking peu à peu, which undeniably struggles her.
What makes life? If only there would be an easy answer to this question. At any stage of life everyone feels, thinks, and evaluates that differently. It happens to be personal, individual, and very subjective. When we are young we have a very different perception of life because a lot is yet to happen — life is ahead. Though how do we look at life at an older age when a lot has already happened, and a big part of life has been lived? What do we really know about the lived experiences and perceived realities of older people?
“In old age, you become calmer, and you suddenly perceive things that you didn’t really see in the past,” says Gerd, my 90-year old grandfather, as he shares his thoughts with me on the phone. I imagine him sitting in the corridor, where the telephone is placed on a little side-table, surrounded by lots of old furniture, paintings, and books. Even without actually being next to him in his tiny cottage up the hill, I can hear the creaky wooden floor, see the cluttered living room, and imagine his cat, Minka, circling around his feet. He continues his sentence: “For example, when I go to the garden and see forsythia beginning to sprout, I know spring is here — life is back. I didn’t really recognise these kinds of things as a young person because back then my perspective was different. I was too busy with other things.”
My grandparents got a divorce in 1972, they both remarried. So, Gerd moved away from his hometown — where his whole family still lives — 40 years ago, after he had married his second wife, Jolanda. “I could not have imagined the life I live today when I was young because you simply do not have any notion of how it will be at an older age. You just know that you get older and life changes,” Gerd says in a reflective tone.
Joyful memories or joyful present?
Inge and Gerd both have a font of anecdotes that could fill books. Each one of them lived quite thoroughly. I wonder about their favourite memories, greatest pleasures, and most joyful times — are they all in the past or also in the present?
“The joys in life are varying a lot. If you are young, you will have different pleasures. In old age, you will have fewer big pleasures but more small pleasures,” Gerd says to me. For him, there is not a specific timeframe where he felt the happiest, he rather appreciates the smaller gestures in life that he gets to experience now. Like, watching the butterflies in the garden or listening to the piping birds. In contrast, my grandmother has a much more exact vision of when she thinks she has been the happiest. “Life has always been fun for me. Particularly, when I met my second husband, Herbert, and we got married, moved to a new flat, and then worked together,” says Inge. It has been a vivid life — she has had five children, two marriages, her own businesses, and moved at least 20 times in her life — and more than anything, she loved the presence of people around her.
She married Herbert in 1974 and had a happy marriage with him until he died from brain cancer in 2019, as she recalls. Since then my grandmother has had quite a rough time. She has never been used to being alone because her house has always been open to everyone, which she still likes to keep this way. However, Covid has made it difficult for her. It is challenging to make it clear to her that inviting people over is not allowed in lockdown, and that one of the greatest pleasures in life — catching up with loved ones — could make her very sick, and eventually, kill her. “The time as it is now is not funny anymore. When you cannot go anywhere, neither in a café nor in a restaurant, it is very hard,” says Inge, and she is right — it is hard. Especially, if you don’t have all your life still ahead of you to make up for it.
My grandfather looks at life from another angle. He likes to maintain an optimistic view, even though, he has spent most of his time in the last ten years in hospital. In 2010, just a couple of months before his 80th birthday, he got diagnosed with kidney failure. “In the beginning, it was quite hard but there is no alternative. Either you die or you go to dialysis,” he says. At 90 he still goes there three times a week and is now the oldest patient and the only one in his hospital that has made it this long. “It is not a burden anymore, not at all,” he reassures me. “I used to go to the pub three times a week and now I go to dialysis three times a week instead. Only the setting has changed. It’s a matter of attitude. You have to think positively, then, life can still be beautiful.” I could take a page from his book. I wonder, if it takes a lot of effort and strength to keep a perspective like this, or if it is just the wisdom of the old.
The bigger picture
It is important to keep the bigger picture in mind. While my grandparents are considerably well off when it comes to health and wellbeing, the reality shows that only 36% of the over 74-year-olds in Austria think their health condition is good or very good. In general, health problems cannot be predicted and naturally develop with age. But there are some improvements one can make to live a little happier.
One thing can be said, happiness is not tied to age. My grandparents also experience light to severe health issues but they are still engaged in their lives. First of all, they both still live in their own four walls and secondly, they are surrounded by friends and family which seems to give them a better attitude to life. A study by the Office for National Statistics in the UK shows that people aged between 65 and 74 years have the average highest reported happiness and the highest level of feeling life was worthwhile. This could be due to various reasons, for example, people in the higher age group have different expectations or experiences to wellbeing than younger cohorts. Or, over 65s have more time to do things that make them happy and contribute positively to their wellbeing. However, over 90-year-olds reported the lowest average worthwhile rating of all the age groups, indicating that poor health, living alone or feelings of loneliness influence their perception. While health is not up to us, the choice to surround ourselves with people — have conversations, exchange thoughts or even keep ourselves busy and do something purposeful — is manageable if circumstances allow it. A routine could be helpful to structure day-to-day life. In the case of my grandparents, they are not 100% positive all the time, who is? But the small things seem to make their lives more worthwhile and happy. Helping family members with laundry, keeping the house organised, and being around people seems to make life better for Inge, while Gerd treasures reading, sitting in the garden, and drawing cards for friends and family. I am sure they are both capable of more if they would have the chance to evolve. It is time to broaden the narrative of old age and assist or provide meaningful activities for those who need it.
The lottery of health
At an older age, both, Inge and Gerd, emphasise the importance of health, and how being healthy is like winning the lottery. “When a doctor reassures you that everything is fine, then I’m feeling overly happy. As a young person being healthy is taken for granted, though, if you are 90 nothing is given anymore,” says Gerd. Being healthy is important at any stage of life but for older people, it can make a huge difference in terms of quality.
And, health is indeed a very crucial aspect, also, when it comes to personal well-being a study shows. People who are in good health are not only more likely to be happy but also consider things to be more worthwhile and find themselves more satisfied with life. It is fair to say that the quality of life is improved by health, however, it depends on way more than that. The World Health Organisation’s (WHO) definition says: “Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.“ This indicates that health is much more complex than what the average might assumes. Especially the aspect of social well-being is not on everyone’s radar when it comes to health though it is part of WHO’s definition since 1948. Back then it sparked attention as it was considered to be progressive and revolutionary. Some have remained critical about the definition because the vocabulary would indicate more connection to happiness than health. Anyhow, health is determined by social factors and so is happiness.
Rise in well-being at an older age by social connections
But how can social well-being be achieved at an older age? “It is important to me that I get up healthy. I do the housework and tidy up. I make sure to see my children, and I am happy when I am around my grandchildren,” says Inge. In fact, the maintenance of relationships, whatsoever the social tie might be — partner, spouse, friend, or members of a community — has a positive effect on the emotional and physical health. A Harvard study shows that people profit more from close relationships than from social class, IQ, or genes when it comes to happiness and longevity. Strong social interactions are meant to increase survival by 50% as a study looking at the likelihood of death between two groups with different social relationships suggests. Although the loss of companions in old age challenges the maintenance of social ties, older people are found to be more satisfied with their social networks than younger people. Scientists identify one reason for this by the structure of older people’s social networks, meaning they appreciate closer relationships more than casual acquittances. That applies also to Gerd as he relies on interaction with close loved ones: “I am grateful to have my family […]I would say having my family is the most important in my life.”
At an older age, these social connections seem to be far more difficult to obtain due to the fact that active participation in society is not particularly encouraged. However, not only the lack of opportunities for older people damage their socials but a fact of life — the loss of companions. “You know at my age, everyone you know dies and is simply not here anymore, the restaurants you used to go don’t exist anymore, and the streets just don’t look the same anymore,” says Gerd. Of course, why don’t we think about this more often? I have never really understood people that were talking about the good old times, and especially how good everything used to be. I didn’t get the running after the past. But after I had heard my grandfather saying this, I myself got wistful thinking of his memories. It seems like indulging in reminiscence might be the only thing that keeps them going at times. “I rather think of the past as I used to know it and remember it in thoughts,” he says. It’s not like he mourns after the old times because he is aware of how important it is to look forward, to keep on going, and to let the past be.
So, health is defined by good social contacts but how can older people still interact socially when their mobility, independence, and acquaintances decrease? The short answer is, including them in society, acknowledging their needs, and valuing their skills. For my grandmother, not doing anything is not an option. Asked about how she felt after her retirement, she says: “You can never quite stop doing anything, you can’t really. […] It would be too boring for me to just sit around.” She may keep herself busy with housework but if she could, she would do way more. “What I would like to do is, looking after my son, Philipp, (*who is physically and mentally handicapped since he was a baby and now lives in a care home). I would like to take care of him.” Before Covid, she used to visit him every day, fed him, washed him, entertained him. Her maternal care will never fade — she sees it as her duty. A lot of older people feel like my grandma, just in their own ways.
Purpose and meaning in old age
A Stanford University survey amongst nearly 1,200 participants aged 50 to 92 shows that the majority of older adults “exhibit high levels of prosocial behaviour and values”, including caring or helping others. The interest to contribute to society in a purposeful way is high, nearly a third (31 percent) would like to fulfill the end of their lives with a purpose beyond the self, meaning contributing to society actively. A purpose would not only give meaning or direction, but it can also make themselves needed again. And, according to this research by sociologist, Linda J. Waite, social well-being “should include adequate and well-functioning social relationships, […] some social participation, social inclusion in one’s society, strong and well-functioning social networks.”
When is it enough?
At the end of the conversations with my grandparents, I asked the question that I was reluctant to ask: When do you feel you would not want to live anymore? As a grandchild, you neither want to ask something like that nor would you like to hear it. But, both of them answered promptly, and without batting an eye. “Well, maybe if I would be in constant pain, kept on life support, not able to move anymore or recognise what people around me are saying. I think that would no longer be a life,” says Gerd. An illness would also change Inge’s view on life. “I would not want to get ill, only laying around or being in a hospital. Then, I would rather die immediately but that is something you cannot choose for yourself,” says Inge. “An unbearable and never-ending pain is awful but old age on its own is no tragedy. Everyone will be old one day,” my grandpa adds.
Old age, wisdom, and the end
“Suddenly, you have a completely different appreciation of time. You understand that you are old, and you will not live much longer. Sometimes I think my cat will live longer than me and this is a very strange thought. But it doesn’t hurt because that’s how it is,” says Gerd. “For me, life is still very, very worth living!” It is a matter of fact that, if we are lucky, we all will be old at some point. We need to showcase older people more and talk about their lived experiences. There is so much we can learn, and many would love to share their knowledge with others more than anything. Let’s start listening to the wisdom of the old.
